I Cried.

I cried myself to sleep last night and that's okay. Our society has plagued our minds to think that only the weak cry, only the weak feel anxious and overwhelmed, only the weak feel sadness. This is not true at all. Why do we try to regulate our feelings to the point where there is no balance. Balance comes with good and bad, yin and yang as they say. We are going to feel negative feelings and emotions (I won't get technical into the differences between feelings and emotions, that's a whole other subject). The more we bottle them up, suppress them, and ignore them, the worse the outcome will be. This is what we have been taught to do thought. Being strong and courageous does not involve only good days with sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. In order to be courageous, there has to be an act of courage and an act of courage involves some adversity. Adversity involves heartache, disappointment, unexpected events, etc. Why wouldn't you feel some negative feelings with adversity? I have learned this simple mantra: "I acknowledge this feeling and I allow myself to experience it in it's fullness." Man, does it feel  good to cry sometimes. The key here is to acknowledge and experience it but not to act on it or linger in it. Be 100% honest with how you are feeling but don't allow the feeling to define you or the situation.

When I was going through depression, the biggest thing I did was hate myself for being depressed and hate the way I felt. That did not help my situation at all. It was a never ending cycle of feeling depressed and then feeling anger because I was depressed, and then feeling more depressed because I didn't want to feel anger. Sounds unreasonable right? But this is what we do in some way. Embrace yourself. Embrace how you feel. Embrace your emotions. You will have sadness in your life, you will cry yourself to sleep at some point. I hear to tell you, it's okay. We are not superhuman.

Here's the light at the end of the tunnel. God understands. God uniquely made us and created us as complex beings that have a variety of feelings and emotions. The key is to delight yourself in Him knowing that when you do cry yourself to sleep, He will lift up your head and remind you of His goodness and mercy. When you are angry and overwhelmed, He will give you peace that surpasses all understanding and remind you that the battle is not yours but His and victory is inevitable. The balance comes in when we acknowledge our feelings and acknowledge who God is. He gives us joy for sadness, strength for weakness, He takes our burdens and lightens our load. The truth of His promises carries us and lifts us up. It tells us its okay to feel this moment of sadness because He has promised me gladness. Remind yourself in a temporary state of negativity that you are not perfect and you're going to feel bad sometimes, but God is greater than any feeling and He will always lift me up out of darkness if I would just look to Him.

I will end with this. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV), Paul says "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Compromise

Daniel's Fast day 8 I had a sugar binge. I couldn't take it anymore. I was so hungry and I thought to myself "It's okay, I'll just start again tomorrow". Let me be completely transparent, I ate cookies, candy, donuts, etc. Full out orgy of glucose. That sounds a lot like how we live our lives. A life full of compromise and taking advantage of grace and mercy. Will God strike me down and send me to the pit because I gave into a moment of weakness, not at all but the fact still remains that I continued to eat more and more sugary treats even though I knew I should not. Life continuously offers us cakes, donuts, and pies to satisfy our flesh and they seem so delicious until we wake up with a tummy ache. God was trying to protect me from the tummy ache but I gave in to momentary pleasures. Was it worth it? Not at all. We play Russian Roulette with our holiness and gamble with out lives with things that are not even worth the bet. Romans 6:1-2 (KJV) says "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?"

How can we live a life free from sin yet still choose to sin? It is impossible. We can't make excuses and say "It's okay God knows my heart" or "Grace will cover my actions". If we know it is sin, why do we continue in it for the delight of the flesh?  Grace's purpose is to cover when we do not know any better not to cover when we chose not to do better. I chose to eat the donuts and yes they were delicious but I felt terrible spiritually afterwards because of my compromise (I will just start again tomorrow if I can just eat these cakes now) and my disobedience. I lacked perseverance and discipline in that moment. Christianity is not easy. It is not a belief where you can do whatever you want. Freedom in Christ has been misunderstood to mean freedom of choice. Freedom in Christ is the surrender of your life so that you may live free from this world, free from sin, and free from this flesh. When you surrender your life and your desires to God, the simple pleasures of the flesh become meaningless and the quest for righteousness becomes that much more important to you. Are we going to do it right every single time? No. We are born into sin, the vary nature of being human is sinful. That's why we must transcend this world (sin) and be our true, spiritual self.

Romans 7 sums things up pretty well especially verses 15-25.  I like verse 24 (KJV) when it says "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" The answer is only God can deliver us from death (sin). Let's move to Romans 8:1 (KJV) "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Notice that it says, who walk not after the flesh. So when we compromise and willingly sin, are we walking in the spirit? So condemnation, disapproval does apply to us when we walk after the flesh. We should feel bad. The problem comes when we live in condemnation and do not move forward into correction and repentance. God does not desire us to beat ourselves up or become depressed/ discouraged because we acted in our flesh. God is love. Love involves both correction and forgiveness. Feeling guilty means you care and that the Holy Spirit is nudging you saying you can do better. When I was in my dextrose coma, I felt terrible for maybe an hour then moved forward to understanding and repentance. From there God says "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more." (Hebrews 8:12 KJV)

Thank God that Jesus died on the cross for my outright sins and that I am free to start fresh in each moment. Thank God for his mercy and unrelenting forgiveness. We still have to take the initiative daily to resist sin daily meaning making a conscious effort not to compromise holiness even for a second. When we think of doing something that is pleasing to the flesh, stop and take a moment to think about it again. Is it worth my holiness? Is it only a temporary pleasure? Will I regret doing this? And when we downright know its not right, let's make the choice not to eat the cake.

I'd like to hear from you all, please comment, discuss, say hello :)

He That is Within You

I have been without a computer for a while but praise God I have it back and can post again :) 1 John 4:4 (KJV) says "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world."

Many times we forget that God dwells within us. He is omnipresent meaning He is everywhere, even inside of you. I find myself occasionally looking for someone to talk to seeking advice or comfort or encouragement. Then when no one is available I become saddened and downcast. At some point a light comes on and I look to the Father. Now what would happen if I turned to God first and knew that He was right there with me through everything. Instead of burdening someone with my issues and taking away from them (because we all know it can be exhausting), it would turn into a testimony and an encouragement for the both of us. Imagine it. "Girl I lost my job and my boyfriend in the same day but I trust God and He has heard my prayers" instead of "Girl, I don't know what to do. I lost EVERYTHING. What am I going to do????" *proceeds to cry uncontrollably*. When we don't pray and search ourselves, things seem pretty catastrophic don't they. God has given us all the tools to not only encourage ourselves but to uplift others by not burdening them. God is there to take the burden and exchange it for his peace. We are not to pass that burden from person to person to person by not sourcing the power inside of us.

We carry such a powerful force inside of us each and every day. God is so accessible thanks to the ultimate comforter, the Holy Spirit deep in our belly. When God says "greater is he that is in you, than he that it in the world", that means greater than any friend, confidant, even greater than our parents and significant others. It is necessary to trust God from within you to encourage YOURSELF. Yes, it is very important to have others you can depend on to support and encourage you but you must FIRST realize that God has already given us everything we need if we would just tap into it. You cannot do it on your own but you can do ALL things through Christ. With God, you are amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and more than capable. God has given you POWER, turn it on. Let's encourage one another, together with power, not have a relationship where we seek out other to drain their power to gain our own. Change your power source. Look to God, HE that is within you.

Defense

We are so accustomed to always being on the defense and having our guard up. We have protect ourselves right. The problem is that protection is not our responsibility. The Lord is our protector. God is our defender. So why do we always have our guard up? We end up shutting out people who have no harmful intentions and playing defense where there is no need for defending. Our hearts become hardened by the shields that we have placed around it and we are not open to others. What if we stopped being so defensive and let God fight for us? What if we trusted God to not lead us astray or into danger? Psalm 23 speaks of this "He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake" Psalm 23:3 KJV. We also have reassurance in his word in Psalm 91:1-7:

1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LordHe is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

Jehovah Nissi: The Lord My Banner and Defender. In Exodus 17:16-17 Moses gave the battle to God. All through Exodus 17 Moses seemed God and listened to His commands. When we try to fight the battle on our own, it is already lost.

Now, there is a difference between being defensive and wisdom or discernment. Wisdom and discernment comes from God. Defensiveness and putting up walls comes from our flesh. It comes from thinking we can live this life by our own understanding.

I will be transparent and share my experiences. I am in a new relationship and because of what others have done to me, I have many walls built up and feel like I need to protect myself. This has caused more damage than anything. My defense comes from a place of fear and not trusting God that He will protect me and defend me. I thought I needed these walls to maintain my safety whether or not this man was sent by God. I have not given my safety to the Lord and declared him Jehovah Nissi. If I put down my fists and accept God's protection, everything will work out just the way it is suppose to. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV.

God has assured us of the victory many times. It is up to us to accept His assurance and trust Him. This is a reoccurring theme in my posts to trust God because it is SO important for us to do so and let go of our lives that we hold on to so dearly. Our life is not our own, but Gods so that He can use us as living vessels. We have to give everything to Him first and BELIEVE. It's okay to just relax sometimes and rely on God.

Placement.

When our soul finally awakens, it seems like there are so many areas of improvement you can work on. It can at times be very overwhelming. You faults present themselves like a Christmas dinner laid out right in front of you. I want to encourage you that you are right where you need to be at this very moment. God made us in his image and we are beautifully made. Yes, there are a list of traits that we can improve upon but the fact that we recognize these areas is progress in itself. God placed you in this present moment knowing your faults, your pain, and your hurt. He knows your future is bright. He knows those short-comings will disappear the more you seek Him. It is up to you to love yourself as you are right now. You might be a mess but you are a beautiful mess. When you are working with clay, it is a messy process. It doesn't look like much at first just a grey blob but as the artist works the clay it becomes a masterpiece. You think the statue of David started off looking like that, not at all. Let the Master mold you and make you better. He loves you right now and thinks you are wonderful at this present time. Love yourself. Love the journey. Love the work that is being done in you. Be patient with your growth and stay focused on God. Don't let anyone discourage you. It is easy for others to point out your faults but you know that you are on the path God has for you. You are right where you need to be, in God's hands. Be encouraged.

Trust (not maybe, ALWAYS)

God and I had a conversation this morning about waiting. I asked God why does it take so long for things to manifest in my life? Why can't it be instantaneous? Why can't I pray for something and the next phone call or knock on the door I get is an answer to my prayers? He said because you don't trust me. Now of course I'm in denial like of course I trust you. His reply was unwavering trust and belief without doubt, worry, or fear. Imagine the things that would happen in our lives if we REALLY trusted God 100% Let's be honest, most of us trust him maybe about 75% maybe even 90% but it's not wholehearted. Let's get brutal, who do you even trust? Do you trust yourself 100%? You know why our trust and faith wavers within and with others, because we haven't learned to trust God wholeheartedly. And when we really look at it, how many of us trust ourselves more than we trust our prayers and petitions to God. We try to make things happen for ourselves all the time instead of stepping out of self and letting God run the show.

Honesty hurts but let's reevaluate where our trust lies. Let's give 100% to God and not fragment our hope between ourselves, other people, and God. Imagine how big our world would be with the endless possibilities of what God can do. He can do so much more than we could ever do on our own. We just have to believe. We have to tear down those walls of mistrust that PEOPLE have placed there. God never did anything to you to make you doubt Him, the world did. God has so much that He wants to give us. He has so many successes for you. You can have it right now, if you trust Him with everything in you. And I mean EVERYTHING within you. Down to the deepest part of your soul.

It seems unobtainable but with time we can all learn to do this. It's second nature to us to worry and doubt (even for a second) but that doesn't mean that bad habits can't change. The first step is to have an honest moment with yourself and see where your trust in God is and admit that you have not trusted Him the way He desires you to. The next step is to consistently confront doubt and worry. We do this by recognizing our doubt and changing our thought pattern to words of trust. "I trust you God. There is nothing I have to worry about."

My prayer is that God fills your heart FULL of trust, love, faith, and all things that are good. He has big plans for you. Just Believe!

Validation.

Who needs to tell you that you are doing okay? That you are making the right decisions? Where does your validation lie? Sometimes it seems like it is not enough for God to say I love you, I forgive you, I trust you to move on. We look for validation from certain people or things. For me, if my parents say that I am doing well, then I believe it. When I tell myself, it seems like a non existent self-validation. Why do we rely on others to make everything better? I have gone through highs and lows. In my high moments, those who I sought to say "good job" were not there but God all along was saying "I believe in you." People hold you to your past and the things you have done. A majority of people have a hard time seeing the good and only complain or point out the bad. Have you ever been in a situation where you were so proud of yourself but here comes "debbie-downer" to point out the one thing you did wrong? Or you try to live in your moment, here and now, and someone reminds you of what you did months before. Sometimes it seems like others hold on to your past more than you do.

I say all that to say, do not look to others to validate you or your actions. Look within. Self-validation is one of the most affective things for your growth. When you let people go and you let the opinion of others go, you can move forward. You know yourself and your walk the best. You know where you stand at this present moment. You should be a bubble in a world of "negative-nancies" and complainers to the point where their words bounce right off of you. In time, they will shut up and realize you don't even care about their opinion.

In the life of an EXTRAordinary person, many things that you do will not make sense to others and you cannot knock them for not understanding. This journey is personal and sometimes it is a secret between you and God. Others do not need to be included, even your parents. Let them go. You are awesome, unique, and your book is a totally different genre from anyone else. Let God validate you. Let God give you the fulfillment you seek. Live inside out not outside in.

I prayed and cried for a good minute tonight because of others negativity but God reassured me that He loves me and knows that my journey is just beginning. His grace abounds and covers all past hurt and defeat. And when others try to hold me down, He lifts my head high and encourages me to keep my eyes on him. When I need a big hug from my heavenly father, He is there and more than able to give me comfort better than anyone else can give me. No one else matters. Just me and my daddy.

Importance

I look around at some of the topics on Facebook and I realize how truly blind people are. Starbucks cup, who did you pray for, etc. etc. It is so disgusting the way the world pretends that it is ignorant to the bigger issues. The enemy comes in to distract you from consciousness. Distraction keeps you from truly tapping in to that deeper self that tells you the real issues to worry about. The end times are at hand. War is coming and instead of worrying about a red cup or butt implants, we should be worried about the state of the world right now. The world is at its demise. Satan's kingdom is at it's end and it is crucial for people to WAKE UP! Realize what is going on. Revelation is here! There are those who will chose consciousness and fight and there are those who will choose to remain lost in Israel. True Christians need to realize that this time is important to open peoples minds to the truth. America has failed at displaying the truth and those who truly seek God can spot the liars in our system. Will you be deceived? Will you be so easily swayed by the enemy? We are at war and not at war against Muslims as the simplest would say but we are at war against evil and deception including the American System. It's time for a Christian uprising where we stand for God wholeheartedly. Sometimes the recent events scare me but i know that is result of the enemy. Fear is not of God. I can stand boldly before any adversary knowing that God has given me the victory. It is too crucial at this point. Look at the world around you and read Revelations. Our mission is not to make it to Heaven but to fight the good fight and honor God with our sacrifice, living as an example as Christ. Giving our lives for the advancement of the kingdom. Our mission as Christians is not to be idol and sit around and wait for Heaven to come, it is to fight in the battle against the enemy. We are warriors of God. This life is not easy. It does not come without conflict.  This s what we are made for so guard yourselves with the armor of God. Put on your breastplate of righteousness and fight. This is our TIME! No more hiding in the darkness. Let your light shine before ALL men. Here we go!

Forgiveness.

Let it go. Pain deep in my heart

Pressure in my chest

Tears in my eyes

Breath escapes me.

Let it go!

I hold on to this baggage

I keep this burden

I hold these memories hostage

and it does me no good.

LET IT GO!

God's arms are open

God's grace is sufficient

God's hand is holding mine

Telling me it's okay.

Just let it go.

Forgive them

Forgive you

Forgive Him

and breathe.

Breathe.

Give Him your pain

Give Him the pressure

Give Him your tears

and let it go.

Blame.

It's funny how we are always trying to find a scapegoat. It is everyone else's fault but my own. How we end up at the conclusion that someone else was the cause of something I did is so far beyond me sometimes. It is too easy to displace blame instead of taking responsibility. Have you ever found yourself hiding your disappointment in yourself in anger towards other people? Somehow it is their fault that you failed. Let's get even deeper. Have you ever blamed God for your shortcomings? I know we all have. Free will is both beautiful and a curse. We choose what we want to do whether it is to do God's will or our own will. So when we chose our will, free will does not keep us from the repercussions of our choice. We are guilty when our choices do not turn out how we had hopes and we have to take responsibility for those choices we make. I am learning to pause before I place blame and check myself. When I am angry at someone, what was my role in the situation and am I really just disappointed in myself? Doing this takes a whole lot of humility.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 1 Peter 5:6 NIV

One thing that I have done in the past is allowed my mistakes and taking on blame to tear me down. I beat myself up a lot. That is exactly what we try to escape when we blame other people. We don't want to feel bad and sometimes we take it too far to the point of depression. That is what the enemy wants. Experiences and mistakes are meant to help us to grow. They are meant to make us humble so that God can get the glory in the end. When we take blame too far, even when we take on the blame ourselves, it brings nothing but distraction; distraction from the growth we could get out of it.

So next time we get ready to point the finger, let's point the finger at ourselves first and evaluate where we went wrong. Let's pray that God teaches us how to follow his will and make the right choices. Let's not beat ourselves up and become angry but be humble in every situation.

Prayer

God, I know you are ever present and have you hands over my life. I know that you have great things in store for me.

Help me to be confident in you and trust you even when I do not understand.

Help me to see what is so far beyond me.

Help me to in my times of doubt and disbelief.

Help me when I feel lost and remind me that you are right beside me steering me clear of dangers that I am unaware of.

You are amazing in all of your ways

Thank you for the favor you have place on my life

Thank you for the good times and the bad times

For in everything you are glorified

I am not suffering, I am not in need

You have always provided for me

I am confident that you will provide wisdom and understanding in my time of stillness

Speak to me God

Lead me

Guide me and I will follow

And when the enemy tries to come in like a flood

I will keep my eyes fixed upon you

When the enemy tries to discourage me

i will remind Him the victory is forever yours

Thank you for your love, grace, and mercy

I will hide myself in you

With my face towards the wall I will seek you and only you

For there is no other God but you

In Jesus name, Amen.

Stillness.

There are times on this journey where I feel lost, dazed, and confused. It's like God is taking me somewhere but I am blindfolded. I have no clue where I am going, what step is next. I get so wrapped up in trying to figure out what's my next move and I have absolutely no idea what move that is. In these times the best thing to do is to be still. There are periods of rest during a long journey. We do not always have to be constantly moving. We don't always have to be doing something. Our flesh says go, go, go and God says wait here a little while. Being in motion can keep us from seeing things along the way. It's like being in a car and everything you pass by is a blur. You have to stop or slow down to really be able to see clearly. You wouldn't drive 95 mph in a thunderstorm. At this point I am being cognizant of what God wants me to see and understand. I don't want to miss out on an important lesson. I am a child sitting anxiously to hear what the Father has to say. My only job is to be still and to remove distractions in my life. TV, cell phone, even loved ones can take away from that much needed time that needs to be spent with God. I want to learn  to meditate in Him. Not only clearing those physical distractions but also the distractions of the mind. That feeling of go,go, go keeps my mind racing 24/7 when just as my body needs to be still, so does my mind. How powerful would it be if we could totally clear our minds of the unnecessary clutter? Things would be so much clearer. Instead we keep our minds full of crap. How am I going to pay my bills? Should I change jobs? Should I move? Should I get back into school? Half the time our minds are so distracted by these questions when God's answer to all of them is just to BE STILL and TRUST HIM. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to figure things out. It is already worked out for our good so just be patient and let everything fall into place. (This is advice that I need to follow myself). It's okay to do nothing some times and in doing nothing just fill your mind with God;s presence. Always knowing that He is near and has a master plan for you. I find myself just saying "shhhhhh...."out loud and asking for the peace of God when my mind is going 100 mph. Sounds so simple but God can do anything in an instant even give you instant peace.

So lets stop trying to run our own lives and cause our own confusion. The world makes us think that we should always be on the go and that if we aren't then we are lazy. That simply is not true. Follow God's direction even if that means to do nothing but seek His face. I am a type A personality and always looking for my next step but God is telling me that there is no next step right now. Just bask in His glory and fill everything that I am with Him.

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. -Psalm 46:10