I have been mentally blocked lately because of various emotional responses I have had lately. These are the moments that I remember that's blog is more for me than anyone else. When I get into a cycle of being emotionally fragile, I can come back and read my blog for empowerment and encouragement. Sometimes I need to just take a break to process and put into practice everything that I have learned. This past week I have fell back into some of my old habits of fear, anger, and sadness but that does not mean I am a failure or that I blogged in vain. It just means I'm human and those emotions were a quick fire that got my attention to say "Hey! What are you doing??!" That in itself is an accomplishment, to be able to recognize your emotions and acknowledge why you feel them. The next step is to get back on track. I could grow in secret, my flesh naturally would chose to do so. Unfortunately, my growth is on display for everyone to see for the glory of God. My journey is my testimony and this transparency will help others heal. It's a difficult thing to do because of the ego. Ego wants to say that we have it all together and are perfect when we really aren't. Ego cares about what we look like to others on the outside. I can not tell you how many times I have wished others didn't know what I have experienced and have been embarrassed. I'm like that naked mannequin in the display window that with childishly laugh at because it is naked and its anatomical features are abnormal. Eventually though, all mannequins are clothed and we admire the outfits that they wear. We walk in the store seeking more information and have a fascination about where these items came from. I say all that to say it's all a process. We are born into a sinful world and many things try to attach themselves to us over the years but through God our nakedness helps to restore others and ourselves.
SO I am learning to be okay with being a "hot mess" and everybody knowing that I am just that. I have found other ways to describe my less desirable emotions by saying that I am very passionate because most of the time when I am angry, it stems from being passionate about something, just passionate in a negative way. I am learning to turn it around to a positive. This journey is amazing and no two people have the same story that is written. It is so wonderful to watch yourself grow up and be impressed with yourself that you actually CAN overcome. I am very proud of myself and know that there is much more growth to be done but God is taking me somewhere marvelous.