Why is it so hard to come with grips that I am not perfect? That I am not there yet. I write a lot. I say a lot of things but I can't even comprehend the real me. Who is this person writing these words and why is it difficult for me to realize that she is me? I write about trusting God and having a relationship with Him but were is my relationship and why am I two different people? Both conscious and unconscious. Both here and there. This person who is writing is me, conscious, but where is the balance between the two parts of me? I am struggling with my trust in God. I can't hear anymore and I can't hear because I am scared of what He has to say. I don't listen, I'm wrapped up in fear. It is hard to admit the truth. It is not usual to come to grips with your true faults and issues. The easier thing is to talk about how you don't drive well, or you talk to much, or you miss your family. Its usual to address the surface issues. Most people think it takes a therapist or a preacher to help them to get in touch with their deeper feelings but we know the whole time what they are, we just don't want to face them until we are forced to.
I am understanding growing pains. It hurts to think that you have made so much progress in your life and grown so much only to realize that there is so much more to be addressed. I believe God reveals these things to us just at the right time. No matter the shock, pain, disappointment, disgust, or sadness I feel; I feel 10000 more positive things. Some people go their whole life not figuring out what really troubles them and has made them into the person they became when they knew they were destined for more. The more I discover the more I realize how great my purpose is.
I ask myself well HOW am I going to correct these issues and God reminds me that the HOW is not my responsibility to worry about. My responsibility is to listen and act according to what God says. He will show me how but I must be open and receptive to do that. If I am not open then nothing will ever change. So for clarity, the biggest issues I am facing in my life right now are:
- Trusting God
- Overcoming fear, doubt, worry
- Being an example of LOVE
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD" Isaiah 55:8. I can't figure this out on my own. There's something greater in the distance that only God can see at this moment but I trust God that even though I cannot see it, it is there. I am not perfect and never will be. I do not have it all together and never will. BUT I praise God for my faults because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank you God for both who I am now and who I will become.